bye bye winter

I was talking with a friend last night and she told m e that she was so happy that winter was finally done and over with and it got me thinking about my winter .... of lack of haha, I was in montreal and in the snow for less than a month overall, spreaded out throughout the season.


I figured I would post a couple of pictures from my winter!

Spent a couple of weeks in the cayman islands, a place I never wouldve thought I'd go to in my life, glad I did, it was alot of fun, saw alot of cool things (turtle farm, stingray city, helland had an overall great time even in the situation, thinking back I couldv'e made more out of it but It was a great trip and I'll never forget it. usually when you go in places like this you see it from a resort, a bus trip, with a tour guide, it was such a cool experience to see it through the eyes of pepole that had lives there for many many years, Of course we tried and do most tourists attractions but we also lived like caymanians (ok more like english people that live in cayman but whatevs) and that I that was really cool.

Then I was home for a whole 8days before leaving again on yet another journey, one that was unexpected to stay true to myself, I had only a day to get ready for a 3months trip.


The first couple of days really made me feel good, we hung out with old friends I hadnt seen in a while and it felt like a three day party and four years later I still think it when I say it, the midwest really is my home away from home.

After that we started our long journey of shitty shows and long drives to meet up with the Destroy the runner and demonstration dude in the all mighty California.

First day without snow (ok there was a little but it was warm and nice) - Henryetta, OK
there was a skatepark right next to the venue so we got the skateboards and longboards out of the trailer and got r done!
There was also those dudes, whatever they are, they were rad, that city reminded me of the set for "MY NAME IS EARL" we stayed in some sketchy ass house with really sketchy dudes that paid their rent selling plasma (blood) and were high off cough medicine 24/7 (not like pills or anything just robotripping non stop) it was quite scary, but we got one dude to shotgun 10beers faster than life and then he died hahaha. Cool party at that house. and Everyone drove pickup trucks and old muscle cars. I was looking for earl hicky to show up at the party.


The next day we were in Tulsa, OK and it was rad, we got there the night before because we didnt feel like staying with the creepos in henryetta for two nights in a row so we slept in a parking lot, woke up, rode our longboards to starbucks like every morning and then it was pretty nice out so we got the lawn chairs out and just hung out in the parking lot talking and having a good old time, at around noon the owner of the venue let us in the venue, she had to go back to work (she was a nurse) until 5pm so she put me in charge, it was a really cool place and reminded me of l'A abit, we set up and played Blink 182 and Metallica covers, you can see on the picture that I still am rocking the cayman tan haha.
Only reason I put this picture up is because you can really see the beginning of what would be an epic tour haircut in the back hahaha.
That night we stayed with native americans (wicked ones too) that had about 5of those bad boys running around, they were truly amazing, we watched 300 and played with the dogs all night. The family also had the weirdest food like lunch meat with cheese already IN it ... fuckin americans.


Then we got to new Mexico, truly amazing place, we stayed with friends of a friend that had met at a christian camp or something so it was kind of weird, but they were truly amazing and great people, we had alot of fun, we didnt have a show but I tried to get the band to open the Escape The Fate / Burnhalo show .. EPIC FAILLL, shoulda known it was a big venue, got sunglasses from some girl at the mall, went hicking up one of the sweet mountains in new mexico and met a cool lady. Solid day for sure. the best part was deffinatly me and sonny hiding in the trailer shotgunning beer so that the family wouldnt know we were such alcoholics hahaha.PALMTREESSS, the day we had all been waiting for, we were driving an average of 12hours a day, and this meant we were getting closer to meeting up with the tour and the end of bad shows. STOKED. too bad we broke down in Arizona .. but atleast me and john got to get really drunk and sleep in the trailer (the gear was in the venue all night). Good night overall.

Hollywoood! we stayed in California for 6days i think, playing all over the state but always coming back to L.A after the shows because I usually had meetings all day and we were staying at the Mediaskare house where our buddies in Suffokate were recording. It was good to be in the city where most of the business I do go down. Too bad I got denied my american citizenship.

Las Vegas! deffinatly an epic journey, me and Miguel got WAY rowdy, the booze in las vegas is ridiculously cheap, good bonding time with the DTR dudes and we got to eat at an amazing restaurant for free because a friend we made there worked there as the chef, it was awesome. But I decided that I cannot spend more than 48hours in Vegas without seriously harming myself hahaha.

Breakup tour = me being the defenition of sobriety and good mature behaviour

We drove and played several shows in Colorado, wyoming, Missouri, Wisconsin, Minnesota
but for some reason I dont have alot of pictures from that week or two. Lots of fun, Demonstration / BW party time, every night .. 12$ half gallon of whiskey and 14$ 30packs .. playing ball and skateboarding while getting drunk in a church, getting drunk everywhere and anywhere .. being traumatised by the TD boys for having drunk driving games.


Then we played in metamora, Illinois one of the best shows of the tour, had alot of fun, the owner (jonny that is a girl and not named jonny) was a fuckin nutcase but she ruled, she let us stay there, we had a big party cause the tour was near the end, lots of alcohol, got to do laundry, recorded a track and took this ridiculously blurred picture.

After Illinois we played Indiana, Michigan and Ohio with our boys in I Am Abomination, had alot of fun, had a dance party in the van to Nsync and shit drinking Whiskey & Root Beer hahaha.

Last night of tour was at the same place that we played the first night on superbowl snday, we all got way too drunk for pepole crossing the boarder, we hugged it out and I broke my one rule.

After that it was off to the Despised Icon / beneath the massacre / carnifex tour, I hadnt been home since December 27 and it was March 1st, We still had a month in Canada and then a month in the states to go.

No pictures from that time, we got in a big crash a couple of days in the Canadian tour and went
home, there is pictures but I havent found them, Ill post them later!


PS: sorry about all the typos, my blogger is fucked and I can't see what im typing until after I post it.

Wuthering Heights

She's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, hers and mine are the sames

the final countdown

Closure

True love.

lifeless eyes.

..

Everything

..

Not sure if you'll read this.

It's always sunny in philadelphia really is a great show.

Im a character, Not a human being
I don't have a lifeline, I don't have a timeline
I'll keep living even when I die
I'll keep loving even when It dies


The world has been broken
And all that is left are the chosen
We must gather all the ones that misses
We must put together all the pieces

see those lines like scars of my body
As I see them in my head, I will show you the lifeless monster you've created
And I will wear those tales on my arms
So that never my story is forgotten

Your words speak of truth
And your body of lust
Lost love and lost hope
Lust in a world lost in transition

I'll grow old
And start acting my age
I'll be a brand new day
In a life that you hate
A crown of gold
A heart that's harder than stone
And it hurts a whole lot
But it's missed when it's gone

If it makes you less sad
I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself
I'll keep out of your way
And if it makes you less sad
I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint
I will paint myself out

I'll keep running forever
I wont let life and reality catch up to me
I won't stop until it's all over
Keep running, Keep chasing, Keep dreaming
Until the morning comes and life comes undone

Message from my swollen heart

"Jayp, stop being a fuckin pethetic moron and start working out alot and taking care of yourself, you look like shit"


I miss being healthy haha.
Looking at pictures from a couple of months back, I miss my tanned, cleaned shaved healthy self hahaha

Love was enough.

..

you know what I wanna do?

I wanna talk to samson, fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Cramson, cuz it's hard being young, black, and gifted, sometmes i wanna throw it all down and get lifted

Weird

I haven't looked this cleaned up in so long haha.


im sitting here wearing a suit, with my gold ring, hair all nice, smelling Dior good.

It's weird not looking like a bad nikki sixx ripoff hahaha.
Different but good, not sure I'm looking forward going through this every day though.

What?

..

Obsession of the week

Cannot stop listenning to SIA, she is such an amazing son writter.

Favorite track: You have been loved

kudos to IMDB.com (a beautiful mind)

I watched the movie a beautiful mind again last night, it had been a couple of years since I've seen it
and I must say I hadn't thought much of it last time I did but this time I realized just how amazing this movie is.
The acting is phenomenal, the plot is original and funny yet nerdy.

I don't have much to say about it, but it's deffinatly a movie worth watching.
I'm usually all about movies like garden state and nick&norah's infinite playlist but that's deffinatly a classic, they put such a crazy twist in a romantic comedy that makes it one of the most dramatic movies of the last fifteen years.

my favorite part has to be the cheesiest one aswell, cause I'm a sucker for those romantic parts haha,
The speach at the end when he wins the Nobel prize for his Equilibrium

"What truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me to the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. I have made the most important discovery of my career - the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reason can be found. I am only here tonight because of you, You are the only reason I am. You are all my reasons. Thank you"

Bilingual

.

The day I missed my party.

I am getting to a sick and pathetic point.
Today I decided that staying at home was probably the best thing to do.
Make some money, try and clean up abit, try and go forward, I have been standing still for long enough.
The last couple of months are a blurr, I barely remember anything.
It was what I needed, I needed to go back into my fantasy world, I needed the step back.
But i've been here for two weeks now and I think I can handle it, I have to.

Im a sad excuse for a man, and when things were starting to look up I obviously had to pull a JayP last night and ruin everything.
Get so fuckin drunk I get lost on the metro going to a place I've been to soo many times before.
Called the last person I shoulda called, The worst part is that I wouldn't be able to call again today cause I have no idea
what the number is / How I remembered it last night. Then getting in a fight with 5dudes at a random metro
I missed my own birthday party, missed gates's birthday. So many people were coming to see me
driving from far or just going out of their way to come say hi and party with me.

:)

The art of welcoming life back into life and blowing it two days later.

Way to go JayP!

song of the week (from the movie CLICK)

f you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

And I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

fuck you blogger

www.twitter.com/Jayptees

I can't say as much bullshit on twitter, I think im going to keep it to that.

behind those eyes...

get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here.

I can do anything that you can, so much better

Venues got announced for Warped tour :)

Come hang out!!!

here are the bands im most excited about seeing / hanging out with (some bands I hate but the dudes are cool so dont hate haha)

-A Day To Remember, Escape the Fate,Hit the Lights,Jeffree Star,Millionaires, Lights, TDWP, The Maine, The White Tie Affair,Versa Emerge

Only complaint about this year is that there isnt really any legendary bands, or weird acts, like usually there'll be pennywise or angels&airwaves or whatever but this year I find its lacking in the headliners division!

I've always been more into the smaller bands anyways!
oh well :)

see you guys there!

6/26 Pomona, CA @ Fairplex
6/27 San Francisco, CA @ Pier 30/32
6/28 Ventura, CA @ Seaside Park
6/30 Phoenix, AZ @ Cricket Wireless Pavilion
7/1 Las Cruces, NM @ New Mexico St. Univ.
Practice Field
7/2 San Antonio, TX @ AT&T Center
7/3 Houston, TX @ The Showgrounds
7/5 Dallas, TX @ Superpages.com Center
7/7 Noblesville, IN @ Verizon Wireless Music Center
7/8 Burgettstown, PA @ Post-Gazette Pavilion
7/9 Cleveland, OH @ Time Warner Cable Amph.

7/10 Toronto, ON @ The Flats At Arrow Hall
7/11 Montreal, QC @ Parc Jean Drapeau
7/12 Hartford, CT @ Comcast Theatre
7/14 Columbia, MD @ Merriweather Post Pavilion
7/15 Scranton, PA @ Toyota Pavilion At Montage Mountain
7/16 Darien Center, NY @ Darien Lake Performing Arts Center
7/17 Camden, NJ @ Susquehanna Bank Center
7/18 Uniondale, NY @ Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum
7/19 Oceanport, NJ @ Monmouth Park
7/21 Mansfield, MA @ Comcast Center
7/22 Virginia Beach, VA @ Verizon Wireless Virginia Beach Amphitheater
7/23 Charlotte, NC @ Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre
7/24 Orlando, FL @ Central Florida Fairgrounds
7/25 West Palm Beach, FL @ Cruzan Amphitheatre
7/26 Saint Petersburg, FL @ Vinoy Waterfront Park
7/28 Atlanta, GA @ Lakewood Amphitheatre
7/29 Cincinnati, OH @ Riverbend Music Center
7/30 Milwaukee, WI @ Marcus Amphitheater
7/31 Detroit, MI @ Comerica Park
8/1 Tinley Park, IL @ First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre
8/2 Shakopee, MN @ Canterbury Park
8/3 Maryland Heights, MO @ Verizon Wireless Amph. St.
Louis
8/4 Bonner Springs, KS @ Capitol Federal Park At Sandstone
8/7 Nampa, ID @ Idaho Center Amphitheater
8/8 Salt Lake City, UT @ Utah State Fairpark
8/9 Denver, CO @ Invesco Field At Mile High
8/12 Calgary, AB @ Race City Speedway
8/14 Vancouver, BC @ Thunderbird Stadium
8/15 Quincy, WA @ Gorge Amphitheatre
8/16 Hillsboro, OR @ Washington County Fair Complex
8/19 Fresno, CA @ Save Mart Center
8/20 Mountain View, CA @ Shoreline Amphitheatre
8/21 Wheatland, CA @ Sleep Train Amphitheatre
8/22 Chula Vista, CA @ Cricket Wireless Amphitheatre
8/23 Carson, CA @ The Home Depot Center

Yo yo yo diz be me jay to the P

l

Funy state of mind

Nevermind....hahaha

As Promised...

I promised I would write some stuff that I have been working on on here, so here it goes.

----

Trapped in my own thoughts
Im my own nightmare
a monster, a demon creeping away
I ride through the night
looking for a victim
Someone / Something
to make me feel alive, please do this one thing
I feel dead and empty in the world I see
the fire in my eyes is no more
Numbness and Absence has taken over
Trapped in my own thoughts this is my sanitarium
Stuck in a nightmare, yet so aware.


--

Fairy Tales for the soul
makes you jump and rock n' roll
Live fast, Die hard
A way of life for stupid kids
with a Deathwish

I'll show you a trainwreck Baby
What it feels like to be the life of a party
Escapism in the greatest form
A One Way ticket straight to the tomb

Quebec City Episode

So we got to quebec city pretty late because for some reason,
the guy booking the tour decided that doing an 18+ show in a club would be a total success!

Also putting that night in a club on the "cool" day wouldnt start any shit.
We were pretty much playing in Quebec City's 1234..but French.

We got there at 7, and I met up with Lil Alex, Simon and a bunch of other dudes.
I had some whiskey in the van so I put it in my flasks and we went on a venture to get some more booze.
We were playing a club so I figured we'd have alot of beer in the backstage...apparently not we had like one beer each
or some ridiculous thing like that, I got fuckin pissed and started hitting on a bartender until she gave me like 5drinks (and her number).

Sonny told me that some of his friends were coming to the show and that we were gonna party at their house afterwards,
it was one of them's birthday or something so they were bringing tons of PBR, which is fuckin solid in my book.
The girls got to the show, we hungout for a while, they were deffinatly cool, then I was drunk and it was time to roll out
so I settled with Martin (Beneath the massacre's TM) and we got rolling.

It must've been midnight and the people from the club decided that it sounded like a good idea to open the doors from the other parts of the club
to let all the cool wiggers and sluts in, I was stoked on the idea and got right down to it while people were loading out.
Anyone that knows me a little knows I hate Quebec City but fucking christ ... the ladies there are ridiculous and all the dudes are so ugly
that it's like going fishing at a pet store, shit's good and cheap. So whatever I stayed there for a while, remembered there was alcohol in the van
and since I have good priorities I went to drink in the van with some of the girls that we were hanging out with afterwards.

We got to their appartment and started drinking right away, we downed the two-four in about 15minutes and then some, drank some rum
and just had a good time sitting down, talking, listenning to music. The girls were really cool and I was starting to think to myself that MAYBE that city wasn't such shit

me and sonny shotguned the beds, and then found out that the two girls there were sharing a room because they had alot of roomates and whatnot.
so we decided to take the bed appart, take the two matresses and make a huge bed across the room. Sounded like a great plan and it was
me and sonny exchanged a couple of highfives / giggles and hand gestures later during the night when the inevitable was inevitably happening.

abit after as I was laying in bed in nothing but my underwear having a smoke our new drummer Eric was getting fuckin rowdy in the other room, I was too drunk to care
until i heard a big BANG like something had broken or a table thrown, I put my pants on and went into the living room in killing mode.
I was about to lose it on him when I saw what the commotion was all about.

Two lowlife ghetto wiggers had kicked the door in and were yelling at one of the girls, claiming that one of the guy's ex girlfriend
had called him from that appartment, drunk, telling him that some english dude (drummer) was hitting on her and she kept thinking about him so she wanted him there.

So he was pissed and on a mission to crush that dude, so we told him that they were both gone, she had left to go to his house and the English dude was really drunk and went wandering off.
(Now, remember that I was extremely drunk / half naked when this occured so some details could be mixed up)

Then I remember the first dude leaving, the second dude getting pissed because there was like 8tattooed up dudes around him so I claimed
"HES PISSED CAUSE THERES DUDES, LET THEM DEAL WITH THEIR SHIT" and went back to bed, Passed out. I dont really remember what happened after that

But the cops woke up and asked me for a statement, I told them to fuck off and that I hadn't seen anything but apparently one of the guys
wiped out a knife (a fuckin steak knife haha) so they insisted.

My statement read something like this "I was sleeping, some dudes broke in, yelled some shit, one was wearing blue, the other one beige, i went back to bed"

Then apparently the cops went to the dudes house and the girl that had started all this shit got pissed and threw a beer bottle at them, needless to say that she spent the rest of the night in Jail.

after that everything was good, I passed out, had some breakfast and we left for our next show.

Rant and Random thoughts

It's funny to think that if we both acted the way we are now.
Back then, everything would've been better.



Im leaving again on the 4th, here are the cities we're gonna be hitting.
April 04 - Gamers - Flint, MI
April 05 - Mac's - Lansing, MI
April 06 - Mixtape - Grand Rapids, MI
April 09 - Afterdark- Stevens Point, WI
April 10 - The Vault- Buffalo, MN *w/ For Today, Recon
April 12 - 4-H - Cape Girardead, MO
April 13 - BlackShee- Springfield, IL
April 14 - Johnnys - Metamora, IL
April 15 - Buldog - Louisville, KY
April 17 - Warehouse- East Ridge, TN
April 18 - Brewery - Raleigh, NC
April 21 - Macc - Crofton, MD
April 22 - Silo - Reading, PA
April 23 - The Haunt- Yonkers, NY
April 24 - Jennie's - Asbury Park, NJ
April 25 - Violet - Rochester, PA
April 26 - Hangout - Edinboro, PA
APril 27 - Palladium- Worcester, MA *w/ Parkway Drive

I had a great week last week, got to see alot of friends that I hadn't seen in a while
Got drunk and played a dumb movie drinking game with Brian, Went shopping with mag and got whiskey.
Got to hangout with Robbie and Simon on St-Patricks day, and we're jamming again tomorrow so Im deffinatly stoked on that.
Saw Javex which was deffinatly a highlight, that guy has been part of my life for so many years, it's a real shame that we dont have more.
Saw tons of other people at clubs and shows and shit but those were pretty much the highlights.

Plan for this week is to get ready to leave, see some more friends, record some music.

I can't wait to be in the van again, with no computer.
Just my scrapbook, Cds and my phone.

I get so creative when I'm on the road, I have barely written anything since we got back home.

I have a good idea for a song, but everytime i've tried to put shit together it just hasn't worked.
This city kills my creativity, and everything about me.

I hate that I think about you so much.

My infinite playlist

we are the pieces.

more later

Chemistry / Creativity

Last night I did something I had been planning on doing for a couple of months, it was a different way of celebrating St-patts
but it was great non-the-less. I went to my good friend's house and we wrote some music.

People say I give up on bands quick, I'll go to a band practice or two and know if I want to be part of that band or not.
I mean sometimes it takes longer to get everyone and see what they're about. But chemistry, you usually feel that right away.
and last night was amazing. It was three guys that I have worked with on different levels in the last 7years of my life.
People that are all extremely talented at their instruments and that know how this business works. We all got really excited
and happy about this and I'm positive we're sitting on something big.

It's not everyday you get to work with Montreal's rock elite.
Sitting in a room and not only writting riffs, but being able to write down the melodies and patterns and the actual Structure of the song
and have everyone know what you're talking about is a great thing. There is alot of bands out there, alot of musicians
but not alot of song writters. and that's what I liked yesterday, everyone had something different than the other and we all came together
and completed eachother. It was amazing, seriously I do not the last time chemistry was this good between a group of people at a first writting session.
We got the "body" of a song, a reallly catchy and amazing tune. It's Dancy, Catchy and Rocky. I think if I can get the right people
interested at an early stage then we'd be good to go. We're recording that rough track next Tuesday so we can work on it some more and ad leads and stuff.

the line up for the band so far is
Me - Vocals
Dave Ablaze - Guitar
Robbie Hart - Bass
Simon Foxx - Keyboards

we're still looking for a solid rythm guitar player and a drummer, Im playing drums for the sessions right now but we deffinatly will need someone soon.

fuck fuck fuck

I keep imagining and hearing people coming in .. I think im losing my mind

Hanging out with lillie, mariepier & gates later,
should be sweet. probably gonna go have a couple of beers at a pub, pre st-pattys celebration.


Later today im going to write the Quebec City episode if I have time. deffinatly worth mentionning

CSI / VEGGIEDOGS & HARPHAND DES NEIGES

I have already found the one lady I need
the girl that no matter what will pull through.

The girl I wake up at 10am with a bottle of Vodka
The girl I go buy cowboy outfits with
The first and last girl I brought to my mom
The girl that worries about me when I vanish and comes to pick me up in a Lodgehotel at 4am in Toronto.
The girl I hook up
The girl that hooks me up
The only person I give a shit about

My bestfriend,
Anastasia Elizabeth Jarry-Mihalka

All I know is that, I might be deep in shit and It might be dark where I am standing.
But she's there, and this summer will be the greatest.

Love/Lust

"Your words speak of truth
and your body of lust
lost love and lost hope
lust in a world love in transition"

I have been writting so much in the last month or so.
I'm so glad I bough this "composition book"

Im going to start writting some of my stuff on here.
some of it are poems, some are lyrics
some are just crazy thoughts written on a paper.

Vegas Episode

So since I'm home and I had promised myself I'd keep this as a road journal I will do what I said i'd do for a little while.
Catch up on all the good stories I haven't had time / Have been too lazy to post on here.

So let's talk about the Vegas episode ... for anyone that knows me personally and have been seeing the road i've been on for the last
couple of months / years ... we all know that there is nothing good that can come from me being in Vegas.

So we got there pretty late because like always the owner of the label was 3hours late to our meeting in L.A
and it took us quite a couple of hours to get to Vegas, so either way ... we got there at around 7:30pm, load in was at
8pm so we were all good ... I didn't know anything about the place but I figured it would be far from all the action
in a little club somewhere, but once we showed up at "BEAUTY BAR" it was right off the strip, right downtown and was deffinatly fly looking.

I walk in and there is this small ass 5cm high stage with a naked girl getting body painted on, nothing better to say WELCOME TO VEGAS!
not even 3seconds later, someone hands me a glass full of straight whiskey, I look at the bartender a little confused and she just points
at one of the Destroy The Runner guys, I should've known haha. So I ask the promoter where they hell we're supposed to play since the "Stage" is
deffinatly occupied and I would hate to have to stop what was going on, not only was the girl dropdeadgorgeous but the art
that was being painted on her (once you took a second to look) was amazing aswell. So the guy tells me we're playing an outside show.

I mean I've done outside shows at festivals and such but usually club shows are ... club shows. So he shows me the backspace
and it's a huge huge stage outside with already quite a few kids waiting, great beginning to a weird night. We play the show and everything is cool
the openning band was a band that Standby Records were talking about signing so it was cool to meet them and party abit since I was probably going to be
working closely with them in the next couple of months. We met some cool dudes too, shout out to Jose!

after the show was done we decided to go grab a bite to eat, to do a short story one of the dudes heard some french, I was already in a second state
started yelling at the two girls, they came to sit with us and that was it, some dudes were tired and we had a place to stay so they went to the person's house
while me and Miguel decided to stay with the girls and do what you do in Vegas, get fucked up and Gamble! So we dragged our sorry ass to the nearest casino
find a bathroom and do our thing and then start gambling, I've never been one to gamble but when you're in Vegas you don't really have a choice.
so I gambled a total of like 4dollars and spent the remaining money on the cheaapest drinks at the casino bar. That's the thing about Vegas
they are so sure that everyone spends a fortune on gambling that everything else is disgustingly cheap. And they are right, in most cases it is true, in ours...it wasnt
we were total outcasts there, it was all 40something year old on vacation playing poker and trying to blow some steam and then there was those two dudes full of tattoos
downing Whiskey like crazy hanging out with two ... "Dancers" from France that had just moved to L.A and were experiencing Vegas for the first time.

we went to a club, went dancing, scored some stuff, fixed, drank more whiskey, drank Vodka Redbulls, Danced some more blabla
next thing we knew, we were in vegas, it was 6am and we didn't have a place to stay, so we start going from hotel to hotel rtying and find a room
it was the long weekend or some shit so every fuckin hotel was booked. I started hitting on the counter girl at the 4th hotel
because I was strung out and really wanted to hit them Zs. After about 5minutes of sweet talking she tells me that it was 6:30am and some dude still hadnt checked in
so she could probably swing something and give us his room with her employee discount. We ended up getting a super nice double room
at the Las Vegas casino/Hotel for two nights for $38, the rest of the night went pretty calmly, We went up to the room, I showered
Bought a gallon of whiskey, we got a call from security saying that I had forgotten my ID downstairs so I went and got it.
by that point I wasn't even sure what my name was, I was in vegas with a french girl who'se name I didnt care to know
and I was beyond tired. I went to the counter wearing no shoes or socks, no shirt / only my leather jacket and a pair of low jeans.
and I was carrying my whiskey. People were getting up and getting ready to go to the tourists attractions and such and I looked like everything they had heard
about american rockers. I feel bad thinking back but I thought it was pretty funny at the time. I got my ID and went to bed for a couple of hours.

Woke up the next day and decided to walk around and experience the more normal and civilized Vegas, so we walked around
went into tourist and souvenir shops and to the movies, tried to learn abit more about Vegas. Thought about going to the Lion King show
just because I knew Courtney would be pissed if I did. And then we saw THE sign ... we had been drinking really cheap alcohol
for several hours by that point and were used to drinks for 2.50$ which is relatively cheap anywhere but at that point I knew this was the beginning of a bad day
we saw a sign for $0,99 Margaritas tax in...meaning if you take 6 it comes up to like $5,50...so we went in and ordered 4each.
downed them and sadly by that point the other guys were there and we had to bounce. Our boys Jose had promised us a free meal if we got to his restaurant not too late
so we went there, met an amazing girl from Minnesota that moved to Vegas to live the big life and ended up waitressing at some shitty 3star restaurant.
She was really cool but I had to spend the entire time there cracking jokes at her, she was a good sport and she gave me her number on a napkin, it just added to the whole vegas / movie experience
everything they gave us was deepfried, it was disgusting, there was some goodstuff but most of it was fuckin revolting.

after that I dont really remember, I passed the fuck out in the "hole" and woke up in Colorado.

Reading this story it feels like im just bragging and trying to sound fucked up, it was really not the case.
Im just trying to keep this road journal as detailed and accurate as i can cause I doubt I'll remember most of this pretty soon

Montreal

Ive always hated this town.

cannot wait for April 4th to be out of here and not see it again before August 24th.

ive been here 4days and am already so over it.
so many things I could talk about, so many things I probably should, havent been on here as much as i shouldve, probably a good thing.

I dont care, cannot wait for you to come down, cannot wait for the week in bed.
Itll be like were not even in montreal for a while.

<3

poetry

With this bitter taste on my lips
My heart beat fasten
Chasing the dragon, feeding the demon
Open the door, one more line and I'm home.


I've been finding myself writting about the weirdest of things lately, I think I truly am slowly losing my mind. I love the game that I play, life is a joke and a playground, use it as such.

I just found out I won't see my mom when I'm in montreal, it sucks but its probably a good thing, seeing her would make all this harder. I'm in such a fucked up position. Everything around me is prebooked, pre arranged. where I go, what I play, what I eat, what I drink. Where I stay.

I find myself trying to go around the rules and set plans all the time. Staying at girls houses instead of hotel rooms. Just staying in the bus drinking whiskey. I'm a rebelious rebel rebelling from his rebelious lifestyle...its pathetic.

People have been telling me more and more that I act like I want to kill myself, I don't see it that way at all, even though some days I'm so strung out that's what it feels like. I hate seeing my friends worry. I think I need to hide my stuff more...its not like they do it with me, they don't need to see me doing it..maybe then they'll be happy.

Were on our way to michigan, should be a good show, 300presales. Were playing with my friends in I am abomination so I'm pretty stoked! I have some people coming to hang out too which rules.

Then its Ohio with cody, sold out show
There's a bar there with a hot bartender that got me real fucked up last time we played there haha so hopefully she's working. Mimosas and obamas all night!

I'm actually so excited for the canadian tour, the rides are shit but the money is great and the landscapes too, I can't wait to be in alberta again.

midwest

This part of the country is boring as hell.

Nothing much has happened in the last couple of days.

I bought a scratchbook so I could write lyrics and poems, thoughts I don't want to put on here because I have respect, don't know why I bother, but I do. I'm sure ill end up putting some of the things I write on here. The best things.

So that the one and a half person that reads this thing can see what's going on in my head some more, I've been using this more as a tour journal than anything. I do my mind spilling in my book. All my demons are spread across those pages, all the hatred I've learn to feel over the last couple of months.

I am my biggest joke.

Driving to indiana, seeing megan and julie tonight, can't wait, haven't seen neither of them in probably 2 and a half years. Even we've secretly kept in touch, facebook and phone calls will never be as good as the real thing.

I'm still drunk, probably making no sense.

my mouth is filled with blood from bitting my tongue

I may look happy dear,
But the only way ill really smile
Is if you cut me ear to ear

missouri part 2

So were at the second show here.

There is soo many kids and they're all buying merch and supporting the bands which is cool considering the recession.

Destroy the runner are playing right now, its amazing, we had a good meeting and I can seriously say that tonight they are back to being the amzing band they once were.

Zach from TDs been coughing blood, its kinda scary, well see how it goes in the morning. Ther fact that TD and BW have been drinking an average of 150beers a day probably doesn't help.

Illinois tomorrow.

death

So last night we were in cape girardeau, missouri.

The show was awesome, lots of kids, lots of booze and other goodies.

I met some girl, wicked 19year old who's studying in phorography, covered in tatts and more importantly, drives a 2008pimped out mustang. So me being me I spent the night with her and drove her car around town before going to the hotel to go to the after party.

I park the car and see 5cop cars, an ambulance and a firetruck so first thing I think to myself is what the fuck did the guys do again and who am I gonna have to bail out this time (last night it was me but whatever haha). To then find out that some huuugeee black dude beat a prostitute to death in the room next to one of ours. We saw the body bag and everything, some of the dudes were pretty traumatized...what bummed me the most was that I legitimatly did not give a fuck. I think there is really something wrong with me...but whatever.

Drove the mustang some more this morning, got new shoes and a pair of jeans. I need to do laundry and stop buying new clothes haha.

Last night we got four 30packs and a bottle of jager and vodka for like 14dudes...the TD guys will fuckin kill me, I thought I partied hard but they're fuckin training my ass into the southern level of shit.

summer 2009

This summer I will do something I have been dreaming about since I was 12years old.

I will finally be part of the vans warped tour from late june to late august. Its perfect because it starts in ponoma and I will have been in L.A for a month already working from the office while the guys tape the new record.

I was supposed to do it two years ago but things happened and I got fired from Blessthefall before it happened haha.

What's really awesome about this is that christie will be running the rise booth so were gonna team up and help eachother out, just hanging and she will drive the Hummer with me on my dutie days. I haven't spent much time with her since last time we toured together so that will be great.

And my partner Jono is gonna be hanging out for the westcoast dates which is just as fuckin amazing, we work together everyday but we never really get to hang for more than a day at the time.

June 26th is in a long time, but I am already so excited, the contracts were signed and mailed this morning, money was paid, its official, were on!

I can't wait to see what the booth will look like.

:)life is good these days.

colorado

This place is so beautiful,
But its freaking me out how hard it is to breathe.

Were at about 6-7thousand feet high.
I'm just laying down in my bunk having a beer talking to people on my phone and I'm struggling, I don't even want to try and do anything cause I know ill choke and die hahaha.

Vegas blog coming later

make your own destiny

Home in 13days.

I don't know..

ringo

I was walking with miguel and sonny on highland boulevard this morning (the street with the stars) and I bought the most ridiculous book.

Its called the little red book of riders and its pretty much a compilation of the most ridiculous things bands have asked for with their guarantees.

There was some crazy ones like motley crue asked for a 12ft boa to be in their green room. Marylin manson asks for a bald teethless hooker. Its 200pages of things like that. A really funny read.

So after that we were making our way back to the studio (I'm starting to know my way around pretty good around here which is good since were gonna spend all of june here)

And I saw some girl walking a beige long hair chihuahua and it made me miss ringo so much, he is a great little dog, a little to into making out but whatever. I'm sure his mommys loving him tons, I just hope he doesn't miss me. I hadn't though much about him or kitkat in the last couple of weeks but now I'm realizing how big of a part they were of the last couple of years.

hollywood

I love this place
So hectic, so alive so...hollywood

Every street corner reminds you of a movie scene. Every building tells you a story and has a heritage.

Paparazzis hanging out, I haven't paid for anything in a couple of days, feeling appreciated and taken care of is awesome.

I'm in starbucks, having my morning routine.

A grandy skinny vanilla latte with a plate of fruits and cheese reading the l.a time.

This is our last day here but I have to say I'm stoked on vegas and last night was fucked.

We went to a suffokate show after listenning to the new record all day in the studio to make sure it was useless. There sean (art and media guy for the label) got into a fight with a 350pound latino guy from fsu.... and he surprisingly beat the shit out of him...after that I stayed in the van, people in whittier were obviously all about causing shit and I'm all about passing out for a couple of hours.

Then we were supposed to go back to the office, open a bottle of wine and finish the contract, after three days of endless meetings with mediaskare, century and EMI I was looking forward to that moment.

We decided to go to subway for 5$ footlongs and on the way...its the time when JP got arrested in hollywood.

I was riding with sean, lars and another guy from suffokate. And we started smoking some weed, got pulled over searched, handcuffed and then found out sean had a d.u.I and a suspended license....after about an hour the cops were nice enough to let us leave (by foot) and then we looked up...and saw that the label c.e.o instead of trying to help, he just fuckin filmed the whole thing from 7-11.

Good fuckin nigt overall, never ended up finishing the contract.

I'm leaving now going to hangout in downtown hollyoowd.

Bakersfield tonight and then vegas for twodays!!!

Happy valentines day, another reason to spend countless amount of money on people who'd be happy either way. So go ahead and buy flowers, chocolate and find cute things to do, me and my icebox, were getting drunk.

arizona, salvia, california

California is known for its beaches and arizona for the grand canyon.

But driving through both states once again reminded me how beautiful the views are here, I'm on my phone so I can't attach pictures but ill make sure i do whenever I get on a computer.

The mountains and fields that looked straight out of a jurassic park movie, followed by the desert with countless cactuses and amanzingle big rocks.

I was in the back having a drink with one of the dudes thinking to myself that there isn't another place I'd rather be right now, the people, the views, cultures make this experience what it is.

The shows are boring, the food is always the same (yay for ryders) the green rooms all look the same, the local bands are just as bad. But even then everynight is so different, all the kids have different energies and the crowds react differently everynight.

Were playing in canoga park tonight and then spending the day at the labels office and going to get free gear from one of our sponsors in north hollywood, that should be epic. I can already hear my demons crawling towards me haha.

I found out a couple of days ago that I'm gonna have to play bass for the march and april tours, wich is wicked but with that, management and tour management I'm going to be dead.

Can't wait to be back on a stage, such good tours too.

Bye montreal, you aren't missed
Fuck your confusing underground malls.
I know these freeways like the back of my hand and I will keep sailing on.

the goodlife

The bad part about this phone is that even though I can check my things and technically write blogs. I can't use this as the diary I wish it was. Only a couple of thoughts here and there.

We are currently in a garage in arizona, the starter on the van gave out, which killed the battery which fried the cable connecting the two together.

So it will cost the band 700$ and hopefully we will still make it to the show in time.

The worst part is I'm not even that bothered by it, I took care of it and reacted as fast as we could, we were here first thing in the morning.

So many projects right now, I'm so excited, finally teaming up with gates again, its been too long since we worked on something together and this has $$ written all over it and I get to work with christie which is amazing. We have gotten to talk a lot more since I left montreal and I love it, I feel like we are as close as we were in 2006. Were both going through the samething so I try and keep her mind off of the bad stuff.

M&M live production inc will be launched soon and we are ready to take over.

Movement management is now a registered company and I will be getting a work visa for being an important asset to the company.

I'm so excited!

growing old

I am growing old of the internet jabs,
of using every and any opportunity we have to make the other feel like shit
im tired of this hostility, and im tired of feeling like this.

dont put this on, because I am not putting it on you.
there was two of us in this, two of us that weren't ready.
two of us that didn't know enough about themselves to make this work.

I am not putting this on you, I am not blaming you for what you have done.
and I would hope you wouldn't blame me for being the way I was.

we weren't at the same place emotionally, looking for different things.
maybe one day we'll meet in the middle, but I am done hoping.
For too long we dragged this in the mud, doing anything we could to try and make it work
but at the same time doing everything we can to make it go to shit.

It was hopeless, a situation I wish to noone,
but even with knowing this, you have made me happier than I can understand
showed me sides of myself didn't know existed, I feel ashamed and immature for trying so hard
to bury them again. I cannot heal these wounds, cannot leave them out. I have to bury the diamonds you have given me, put the crown back in the dirt as I am your king nomore.

You have made me feel stuff that I never dreamed of feeling,
now back to my old days, back to my old habbits, I feel dead, rotten but still so Alive.
I am back, as nasty and pathetic as I used to be. It's all I know in a world without you.

I pretend to hate, because admitting im Sad is worst than anything.
If it makes you less sad I will leave the state and burn all the picture of us.
If it makes you less sad I will erase all the memories from my brains and reboot my heart.
If it makes you less sad, never again will you hear or see me.
If it makes you less sad, I would be ready to leave and never look back.

Because as I always said, true love isnt about being with one another, it is about happiness.
and if you think you can find happiness by being away from me, I will be the one to open the door and see you smile, I will do whatever is necessary. You always came first, before, during and now after.

It's who I am, and what I am.
no matter what I show on the outside, you know my demons more than I do.
know my pet peeves and my fears, for two years we have shared them.
now I am back in my closet, back in my dark place, facing life alone.

and It feels good most of the time, meeting new people, seeing people that were once so important to me. I do not regret my decision, I do not hate you for yours. You did what was best for us, but don't call yourself the bigger person.

Im here in New Mexico, last night was the best night of my life.
I got to meet and hangout with my Idol, my hero, the guy I have pretty much based my life on.
He turned out to be all that and even more.

I love you and I always will.
but right now Im listenning and living my life for me and me only.

You have scarred me, opened my wounds and salted them, I take responsibility for my actions and thought I was stronger than I was. I can't deal with what has happened and I had to come back to my old self to remember all my values, morals and what is important to me, myself.

I hope you are happy and that people are seeing more of that beautiful smile of yours.

I meant every word.

Forever & Ever;
You do have so much love in you, and I hope you realize it one day.

-Jean-Philippe Tees

not ready for this

Don't sweat it.
I'm the boy who blocked his own shot.

Happiness

I am feeling better than I have in a long time.
acting retarded and careless.
the road is really where I belong right now.

Retarded times in Arkansas and Hating Olkahoma
stayed in a place that looks like "My name is earl"s set.

I wish I could be updating this more, I FINALLY got my sidekick activated so Ill be on here more:)

Ive had this song stuck in my head for the last couple of days.
"If it makes you less sadI'll move out of the stateYou can keep to yourselfI'll keep out of your wayAnd if it makes you less sadI'll take your pictures all downEvery picture you paintI will paint myself out'

who are you

One day youll see yourself through my eyes and understand.

The way you see yourself and think of yourself is unfortunate.

Playing Hard, living even harder

I am on tour right now,
in Michigan, hanging out with one of my bestfriend Cody and all the BW boys + tons of other wicked people.

I know this should be considered the biggest mistake of my life,
it is, but I don't care, it's making me feel more alive than I have in so long.
Being my old, heartless, emotionless self feels really good somehow.

You were right, I am remembering more and more who I was every minute and I love it.
I wish I was talking to you so you could see it, but I guess it's not how it's going to work so, whatever, just know that Im making this work.

I got on facebook / blogger now for the first time.
Of course some stuff I saw affected me but ... I can't let it get to me.
It would make this trip, what im doing..Useless.

If this is a game, then I liked the way that we played.

I woke up this morning telling myself I needed a new attitude about this.
and I will.


ps: You're the like a fuckin record, going round and round always doing the same things. You are so predictable it hurts.

Sunrise

life

Self-destructive personality!
Always flirting, wanting, fucking whats no good.
I am too much.
Forever standing on a bridge, waiting for the wind to blow

valentine's day present

summer had come and gone, the leaves were starting to fall off the tree
and in montreal, people were running away from life, running away from their problems



going out everynight, killing the demons from the inside, acting as careless as one possibly could.


Who could've known what was to come from a simple two seconds handholding In a club.


after several weeks of exchanging emails and text messages the two started seeing eachother out for frequently
being extremely shy atfirst and almost acting like strangers until inebriated.
but then would end up spending all night kissing in a corner, talking, learning about each other.


two of them just looking to have fun and looking for nothing serious,
The guy quickly realized that the girl he just saw as a partying buddy was become more and more to him.
after just a couple of weeks he stoped denying that he was starting to really like her and started to take her on dates
bring her food so that she wouldn't only eat spaghetti and peanutbutter & Jelly sandwiches.
They kept going out and being just two really carefree people, but there was something more building up inside.

Finally after a month of seeing eachother casually and getting to know one another, the guy finally built his courage up
after a really hard night that made him realize that if you want something, you have to reach our and grab it and decided
to ask the girl out, she said yes without hesitation and it had to be one of the guy's best memories. the look in her eyes when
she said yes, the way she kissed me made me feel something I had never felt before.

Roadtrips to Ottawa, going to walmart in a snowstorm with scarves over their heads and countless memories and stories
is the best way to resume their first couple of months as a couple. Going out several times a week, going to his concerts
on the weekend. Having fun with friends and just trying to live everyday like it was their last together.

The first time he said I love you is deffinatly a night to remember,
they were on their way to a show in Kemptville with their friend from Georgia who had never driven in the snow before.
and after a comment about a girl from the guy's past, his girlfriend was a little upset and just kept to herself and drank
her rum in the back in silence, ignoring everyone and everything around her. After countless tries to make her snap out of it
he decided that this was maybe not the perfect timing when thinking back about it, but at the time it seemed like the perfect time
to tell he that he had fallen for her, that he was in love with her, those three words that would usually make him run away
and hide under a rock. The words that meant this was going from a fun fling to something more...I love you
well, the girl being the girl, she kissed him, didn't say anything and went back to being silent and "looking at the trees" through a frosted window. It took two three weeks before she said it back, which is probably the best thing that's ever happened
because it meant that she wanted to be really sure before she said it and not just say it as a reflex because he said it first.
In the year after that there was a couple of ups and downs. Both trying to understand who they are aswell as the other one / how to work in a relationship.


they went on a break and then things were amazing, it was even more passionate then when they were started dating.
she was at her mom's working fulltime with animals and he was at home working on management and stuff.
which meant they were only seeing eachother on the weekends and talking for about 10-20minutes a day on the other days.
the fact that they had time to miss eachother, which never happened before, changed the whole rythm of the relationship.
make them feel like new lovers again, the passion, the fire was back and neither of them could ask for anything more
of course it needed a really bad patch to make that happen but who cares, it saved their relationship and who they were.

then school year started, the girl moved back to montreal, the old routine came settling in, hanging out together everynight doing nothing
when they could be hanging out with friends, studying, working, just doing something with their lives. they neglected alot of people
during that time and being too much with eachother is a burden, married couples work all day and are really busy at nighta
and only really get to spend time together late at night and on the weekends. being with the same person almost every minute
of everyday will make you suffocate weither its a relative, bestfriend of boyfriend/girlfriend. He never had much ocourage
and had always been scared to lose her so she once again had to step up and say that they needed space, her grades were going down
and she wanted to see her friends more, without him. and deep inside he wanted the samething, he didn't expect what was coming next
but even then, he doesnt regret taking a step back, it's what they truly both needed (once again).

on his side things got better, he got alot more done in school, actually finished all the classes he needed to to get into culinary
School, still worked for her mom on the weekends, try to see his friends more, but after a year of ditching and never calling back
it was hard for them to just let him come back into the groups. on her side, well things at first looked like they were doing good,
they always had this weird relationship that they would go from lover to bestfriend in a second and just act like goofs putting
plastic hair on their head at zellers and just have fun. so things were looking good and the guy kept thinking that he loved
that she wasnt only his girlfriend but also his bestfriend, his confident, everything. and He liked that.

A little while after he found some stuff out, that out of respect for the person I wont talk about on here, but let's just say that it changed the entire course of the story.

after that the guy wasn't sure he could still be with her, wasn't sure he could still trust her or anything. and of course on her side after something like that happens you always think that maybe ti really meant something, maybe it was a sign that you need out
that you need to take your life in control and just move on. If you have weaknesses, chances are it's because you aren't
as into this as you should.

Things got better again, they spent christmas with eachother's families, feeling really included that the other family got them gifts
and stuff, it was really a unique and life changing experience because it's at that point that you realize that your significant other
's family accepted you as part of their own.


Then there was the trip to the cayman island, a trip that had been so unsure from the start, during their rough patch, the girl was reluctant
to give the guy the information so he could pay her dad back because she wasn't sure she wanted to spend the three weeks with him
to grow closer, or to spend the three weeks apart to miss him and have the same thing that happened this summer happened again.
They then decided that getting away from montreal together would be a great decision and would probably save them.
The guy wasn't sure and thought he needed that time appart, but was ready to do anything to save this and if it meant sleeping
on a couch in the cayman islands for three weeks, he was going to do it.



the trip was amazing, the hippie animal loving, snake picture, flower fanatic lezard grabbing girlfriend he had heard about
from her parents so much was back and he feel inlove with not only who she is now, but also who she was. understood more
why she is how she is now, her background and how she grew up, saw her old house and met her old friends, got along with some of them
and was indifferent to others.

He tried to leave in the middle of trip after she told him some stuff but she convinced him not too...thinking back he isnt sure why
And actually regrets not leaving, but the last part of trip made him fall so much harder for her, how hard she was trying, how good she was
the day they would spend reading books and going to the botanical garden and napping on the beach and just being the two
young lovers they were.

once they came back to montreal is when it got from bad to worst. The guy had been really quiet and reserved himself alot
while on the trip and promised himself he would make it up to the love of his life when they got back to montrel, where
all the bad memories were, he convinced himself he would ignore everything and focus on the future except of the past.

the week was full of ... his mom finding out he had a drinking and drug problem at somepoint, sending him into therapy, getting
his ass kicked by two guys and a car door, and feeling constantly rejectedby his girlfriend, it was his girst week back so he
completely understand her needing her time alone, but one again it wasnt the action as much as the way it was done that hurt him
but he told himself that he just needed to understand and respect how and who she was.

he went to see her to try and fix things up, tried and act like something was wrong and then it happened.....


TO CONTINUE.....hopefully one day, once we're ready

Maybe I was the first that didn't let you run away the second you got scared or fucked up.
But I promise I'll be the last one too.

youre the one that told me, this is it, it's meant to be,

...

I need to stop putting off this internal debate.

Im Tired